I did everything right this time

I did. I swear I did. I took all my knowledge from previous experiences and I did everything right this time. But in love matters, that's no guarantee things are going to swing my way.

I fell in love again, but this time I remembered not to lose myself. I remembered that my love for myself was greater than any love I can feel for somebody else.
I did the right thing, and you know what? Is no less painful. I'm covered in tears right now, I just want to hold him but that's wrong. I can't. I won't. I got tired of missing him, tired of needing him to fall in love with me.

I did everything right this time, I used all the tools I had. It's never going to get any easier or less painful but, at least I know I did not commit the same mistakes of the past.

"Wishing only wounds the heart"

Yes, it does.
Sometimes.
It only hurts if we become attached.
Wishing only wounds the heart.
I feel like this today.
I wish you weren't gone
I wish you wanted to stay.
I wish I really was in your life
I wish more actions than words.

I wish you were the one,
I wish I didn't doubt.
But.
You haven't given me what I want.

I can't wish what I do have.
You love me deeply
So I don't understand
Why do I wish for more.
I wish I was everything you'd have.
And that's scary
So scary.

Pretender la inextistencia

Si' hay dias en los que -para mantener la cordura- necesito pretender que no existes.

Hace frío

Hace frío y no estás conmigo. Nunca has estado conmigo. Eres el amor ideal inexistente, al menos para mí. Gracias a un amigo pude comprobar que ese amor puede llegar a existir pero siempre le pertenece a alguien más.

Nunca estarás conmigo y apenas hoy ese hecho contundente cae con todo su peso sobre mí. A pesar de ello mi motor interno me llevará a seguirte buscando en distintas pieles, ojos y múltiples besos. De vez en cuando encontraré uno que otro instante en el que te hagas presente para después desaparecer.

Vivirás siempre para alguien más, en otro tiempo y en otro lugar.

Too many scars

Maybe, just maybe I have too many scars for my own sake. Too many scars that come from too many wounds. I only see red flags everywhere and look for the tiniest excuses to let someone go, or to just not getting anywhere close.

I need constant reafirmation of interest, if this doesn't happen I assume -from way too many experiences of my past- that I was perceived as a super weirdo or just as "too much". Yep, I know I'm a bombshell and it's not easy to just "take me in". 

The result is me not trying anywhere near hard to be accepted or loved, and I keep erasing phone numbers and conversations before I end up exploding...